During the past year I've grown immensely.
I worked hard on myself, my self esteem, my physical appearance, my mental state and my own happiness.
I needed to find out what I really wanted from a relationship and found I really need to be and feel loved more then anything else.
I had several relationships during this year who provided that need but they all ended the same way, the men wanted to control me and change me.
I can't be controlled, it has to come from within me, I want to please and serve because I choose too, not because somebody requires it.
Changing me is a sign they were not happy with the way I am, the way I look and I'd rather have them move on to somebody who has the physical appearance and the disposition they want.
D/s is complicated and only few get it.
I've had long talks with my best friends as to find out who I really am.
I had retreats by myself.
How do people see me ? How do I see myself?
And I found me, deep down inside, hidden from the world, simply because I wanted to be loved.
I turned into somebody who I thought could be loved.
I escaped reality because life was hard on me.
It was time to become me again.
I found a girl who is confident, adventurous, witty, friendly, innocent, helpful and kind.
I am open to new ideas, but intolerant of other people's shortcomings and overly sarcastic.
I look and dress very unusually, express eccentricity and freedom in every movement.
I am ever-young provocative, but can also get confused easily.
Now I express myself for who I really am, like me or not, it doesn't matter to me, I like myself now better then ever before and am confident that one day I will be and feel loved by one special man for who I really am.
A few months ago I was invited to attend a swingers party in the USA.
I gladly accepted the invite as it would be another (new) experience.
I was swinging for a while and even attended a swingers club, but still had my reserves about this particular kink.
Over time I've met some couples and for a few exceptions I found it very disappointing.
Most couples do it for the wrong reasons or often the wife has second thoughts when it actually happens.
Insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy, anxiety and fear are common to occur.
As this party was suppose to be with 'experienced' swingers I expected a more stable environment.
I was heavily disappointed.
I arrived a day early since it was a 7 hours drive, which I really enjoyed since the scenery was beautiful.
At the same time another couple arrived and we had a drink with the host.
The female showed the typical 'he is mine' behaviour, which cranked me up, since I wouldn't wanted to be caught dead with her husband.
When they started to show off about all the lifestyle cruises they had attended they started to aggravate me.
I was hoping the other couples would be more civilised and polite.
Another single girl showed up that evening and it turned out we were the only single girls that attended.
I came to like her right away, she was very beautiful and had an innocence about her.
She was a damaged soul though, in the midst of recovery from an abusive relationship, which made me wanting to protect her.
The next day we had lots to do to get the house ready for the party that evening, but the couple which wasn't too friendly, also towards the other single girl, lets call them X, took over entirely.
The girl suggested we should just lay back since X was doing the job.
The female X had been nasty and rude to her as well earlier,
We decided to go for a long walk and had a good talk.
Guests were dropping in gradually that evening and one after the other were couples, no other single ladies, no single men.
Both the other single girl and myself were ignored by some of them, nobody really took the effort to introduce themselves.
Being European I find that ill-mannered.
I watched the crowd and whenever a husband attempted to make contact with either one of us , he was swiftly redirected by the wifey's.
It became clear we were considered a threat rather then an addition to the party.
I mingled into the crowd on the dance floor, had some nice interactions with some of the girls, seemingly encouraged by their husbands.
I took some little rubber bands the Canadian couple gave to me in my mouth and put them on some of the girls nipples.
It was a hit and one of the girls got so exited that she started to suck one of my nipples, quickly apologising for what she apparently did in an impulse.
It didn't lead to anything else then a mellow spanking one of the guys gave me.
When I looked back I asked him if that was all he got, since I still enjoy a good harsh spanking.
My favourite waitress hugged me :-)
The party had two waitresses, one of them was extremely nice and friendly and we high fived each other often during the night, I felt she understood me and was glad somebody saw me for who I am.
As you all know I stopped smoking cigs, but do use a vaper and several times when I went outdoors to vape for a bit I was followed by men who escaped the control of the wife to make out with me.
It amused me.
Even on a swingers party the hubbies screwed around their wife.
Coming back I sat back next to my friend and watched the crowd, one girl was so intoxicated that she could barely stand, people grabbed hors d'oeuvres with their hands, licked their fingers, only to go back to the bowl with mixed nuts and it turned my stomach around.
No class, no etiquette, just a bunch of people who wants to fit in there.
There was one couple, also from Canada who were very friendly and open towards the other girl and me and we even had lunch with them earlier that day.
At the party however they didn't really came through and after a while being disgusted by the whole scene I went up stairs, changed into my comfy jeans, T-shirt and socks and roamed the party, not caring what people might think.
I wasn't interested in sex at all, partly because nobody really attracted me.
I am attracted to the more dominant males and not the pity small town housemen, who followed their pathetic controlling wifey's around as they were dogs in heat.
I also wanted to stay absent from sex with men because a former Dom of mine wants to reconnect and out of respect for him I didn't wanted to have sex with another man.
In another post I will tell more about that :-)
Walking around, checking the rooms, noticing most people only had sex with their own spouse, sometimes next to another couple, so I assumed they were only into voyeurism and exhibitionism.
When I hit the bedroom of the host and hostess, I saw her laying on the bed alone and I sat with her and asked her if she was ok.
Her husband told me the night before they weren't going to participate sexually with others, since this was fairly new to them and he had issues seeing her with other men.
She answered that she was all right, but then started to seduce me and we ended up having oral sex with each other.
I was attracted to her as she is European as well as I am.
Later on that evening she took several men into her bedroom.
I shook my head once more.
Shortly after that I went to bed, the other girl, whom I shared a room with, was already asleep.
The next morning I had a quick shower, packed up and left, so I could be home in time.
The drive back was without problems and again I enjoyed the nature all around.
I decided swinging is not for me.
I dislike drama and it seems I found it more here then in any other part of my lifestyle.
Aside from that the sex is mediocre and too vanilla for my taste, they are also usually not very experimental and educated if it comes to the lovemaking.
That said I'm convinced most of the couples had a blast and I am happy for them, since there's no accounting for taste.
When L came to visit me for a few days two weeks ago we had awesome sex right away and every time when we had the chance.
I had to work that weekend but as soon as I got home (he was staying at my house) we jumped each other, made love, had rough sex, cuddled, talked and neither one of us seemed to be getting enough.
Living with a man is not something I'm used to but I adapted and I really loved waking up next to him.
However, you get to know ones personality a lot better as well and he got too comfortable.
His approach to my bad smoking habits was not appreciated by me and I decided to break up with him a few days later.
I was in the process of quitting smoking and could use some support, but he was very belligerent instead and it made me want to smoke more instead of less.
I managed to quit smoking all together in the meantime by myself, and am very proud of myself.
Instead of sad I felt relieved.......
While with him I got to know a lovely couple from Montana who came to visit me last week and needless to say we had lots of really hot, uncomplicated sex :-)
Since my man and me live hours apart, we both drive halfway on weekends we are both off.
So early Friday I left for Great Falls and as soon as we hit the motel-room we could't keep our clothes on and fucked several times.
It was only 11 days since we've seen each-other but we both felt like it was much longer.
He felt great and I could't get enough of him.
We fucked, cuddled, talked and fucked again and again.
He is my man, my lover, my soulmate and my future.
Later that Friday afternoon we invited a guy we have been talking with online to play.
It was wonderful to have sex with another man while my love sat by me, holding my hand, caressing my face and kissing me.
No jealousy, just pure lust, sex and release.
Unfortunately Mr.Friday had two very fast orgasms, and was out the door shortly after.
That night we made love again and again and discussed the encounter.
Both of us are very secure about our feelings for each-other and that sharing and having fun can be part of our relationship without jeopardising it.
In fact the honesty between us makes it stronger.
I can fuck for days.and it makes him happy to see me satisfied.
I'm thrilled that I've found the man who is willing to give me that and loves me for who I am.
Saturday we had Mr.Saturday visiting in the hotel-room and this one was even less skilled and left after only one orgasm, seemingly embarrassed that also he could not last.
These fucks weren't very good, but still exciting.
I like having sex with other men and that they were strangers adds to the excitement as well as the fact that I could make them cum within minutes.
It is just a matter of time before we find men or couples that are capable of holding it a bit longer and can play for hours.
Lucky for me my man does have tons of stamina and a very high sex drive as well, so the rest of the evening was again hot and steamy :-)
Both nights I slept like a baby in his arms, safe, satisfied and loved.
My new love arrived on Friday and we spend the whole weekend together.
As soon as we hit the room we couldn't keep our hands off each other and within minutes we ended up on the bed fucking.
His cock is really nice and thick and I loved fucking him both vaginal and anally.
Really getting me excited again thinking about it....
We fucked and talked, went out a few times, took the dog out for a run, walked through the store hand-in-hand, and slept together in each others arms.
I had missed the intimacy and the connection with somebody.
Casual fucks are nice, but sleeping alone sucks after a while.
Waking up to a nice ready hard cock was incredible as well and I love good morning sex......and cuddles...lots of cuddles....
We lost count over the weekend, we just couldn't stop fucking each other.
We were both sore after three days!
Sexually we are on the same page, we love sex, kinks and are both into sharing.
He loves it when I take other cocks and is very active in finding them for me.
Of course i will post these naughty adventures here as well.
Sex is sex and can be enjoyed by more then with one partner,
He wants me to be happy and fulfilled as much as I want that for him.
I love that about him and was always longing for a partner who could share me without being jealous or afraid I might leave him for another.
We have a very good and open communication and lots of love for each other.
I still have a long way to go, for years I've been absence of love from a partner and the sudden overwhelming attention and intimacy feels unreal, but last night when I was sleeping alone again, I truly missed his arms around me while falling asleep.
He is truly amazing, caring and attentive.
Since we live about six hours apart, we will have to find ways to be together, which could be challenging since we both have our kids and jobs, but in ten days we will both drive halfway and spend another weekend together,
These pics are made during this weekend....this was his view when he fucked my pussy and my ass :P
2017 started incredible and hope it continues this way !