Who is she ?

During the past year I've grown immensely.
I worked hard on myself, my self esteem, my physical appearance, my mental state and my own happiness.
I needed to find out what I really wanted from a relationship and found I really need to be and feel loved more then anything else.
I had several relationships during this year who provided that need but they all ended the same way, the men wanted to control me and change me.
I can't be controlled, it has to come from within me, I want to please and serve because I choose too, not because somebody requires it.
Changing me is a sign they were not happy with the way I am, the way I look and I'd rather have them move on to somebody who has the physical appearance and the disposition they want.
D/s is complicated and only few get it.

I've had long talks with my best friends as to find out who I really am.
I had retreats by myself.
How do people see me ? How do I see myself?
And I found me, deep down inside, hidden from the world, simply because I wanted to be loved.
I turned into somebody who I thought could be loved.
I escaped reality because life was hard on me.
It was time to become me again.

I found a girl who is confident, adventurous, witty, friendly, innocent, helpful and kind.
I am open to new ideas, but intolerant of other people's shortcomings and overly sarcastic.
I look and dress very unusually,  express eccentricity and freedom in every movement.
I am ever-young provocative, but can also get confused easily.

Now I express myself for who I really am, like me or not, it doesn't matter to me, I like myself now better then ever before and am confident that one day I will be and feel loved by one special man for who I really am.

The swingers party

A few months ago I was invited to attend a swingers party in the USA.
I gladly accepted the invite as it would be another (new) experience.
I was swinging for a while and even attended a swingers club, but still had my reserves about this particular kink.
Over time I've met some couples and for a few exceptions I found it very disappointing.
Most couples do it for the wrong reasons or often the wife has second thoughts when it actually happens.
Insecurity, possessiveness,  jealousy, anxiety and fear are common to occur.
As this party was suppose to be with 'experienced' swingers I expected a more stable environment.
I was heavily disappointed.

I arrived a day early since it was a 7 hours drive, which I really enjoyed since the scenery was beautiful.
At the same time another couple arrived and we had a drink with the host.
The female showed the typical 'he is mine' behaviour, which cranked me up, since I wouldn't wanted to be caught dead with her husband.
When they started to show off about all the lifestyle cruises they had attended they started to aggravate me.
I was hoping the other couples would be more civilised and  polite.
Another single girl showed up that evening and it turned out we were the only single girls that attended.
I came to like her right away, she was very beautiful and had an innocence about her.
She was a damaged soul though, in the midst of recovery from an abusive relationship, which made me wanting to protect her.

The next day we had lots to do to get the house ready for the party that evening, but the couple which wasn't too friendly, also towards the other single girl, lets call them X, took over entirely.
The girl suggested we should just lay back since X was doing the job.
The female X had been nasty and rude  to her as well earlier,
We decided to go for a long walk and had a good talk.

Guests were dropping in gradually that evening and one after the other were couples, no other single ladies, no single men.
Both the other single girl and myself were ignored by some of them, nobody really took the effort to introduce themselves.
Being European I find that ill-mannered.
I watched the crowd and whenever a husband attempted to make contact with either one of us , he was swiftly redirected by the wifey's.
It became clear we were considered a threat rather then an addition to the party.

I mingled into the crowd on the dance floor, had some nice interactions with some of the girls, seemingly encouraged by their husbands.
I took some little rubber bands the Canadian couple gave to me in my mouth and put them on some of the girls nipples.
It was a hit and one of the girls got so exited that she started to suck one of my nipples, quickly apologising for what she apparently did in an impulse.
It didn't lead to anything else then a mellow spanking one of the guys gave me.
When I looked back I asked him if that was all he got, since I still enjoy a good harsh spanking.
My favourite waitress hugged me :-)

The party had two waitresses, one of them was extremely nice and friendly and we high fived each other often during the night, I felt she understood me and was glad somebody saw me for who I am.

As you all know I stopped smoking cigs, but do use a vaper and several times when I went outdoors to vape for a bit I was followed by men who escaped the control of the wife to make out with me.
It amused me.
Even on a swingers party the hubbies screwed around their wife.

Coming back I sat back next to my friend and watched the crowd, one girl  was so intoxicated that she could barely stand, people grabbed hors d'oeuvres with their hands, licked their fingers, only to go back to the bowl with mixed nuts and it turned my stomach around.
No class, no etiquette, just a bunch of people who wants to fit in there.

There was one couple, also from Canada who were very friendly and open towards the other girl and me and we even had lunch with them earlier that day.
At the party however they didn't really came through and after a while being disgusted by the whole scene I went up stairs, changed into my comfy jeans, T-shirt and socks and roamed the party, not caring what people might think.
I wasn't interested in sex at all, partly because nobody really attracted me.
I am attracted to the more dominant males and not the pity small town housemen, who followed their pathetic controlling wifey's around as they were dogs in heat.
I also wanted to stay absent from sex with men because a former Dom of mine wants to reconnect and out of respect for him I didn't wanted to have sex with another man.
In another post I will tell more about that :-)
Walking around, checking the rooms, noticing most people only had sex with their own spouse, sometimes next to another couple, so I assumed they were only into voyeurism and exhibitionism.
When I hit the bedroom of the host and hostess, I saw her laying on the bed alone and I sat with her and asked her if she was ok.
Her husband told me the night before they weren't going to participate sexually with others, since this was fairly new to them and he had issues seeing her with other men.
She answered that she was all right, but then started to seduce me and we ended up having oral sex with each other.
I was attracted to her as she is European as well as I am.
Later on that evening she took several men into her bedroom.
I shook my head once more.

Shortly after that I went to bed, the other girl, whom I shared a room with, was already asleep.
The next morning I had a quick shower, packed up and left, so I could be home in time.
The drive back was without problems and again I enjoyed the nature all around.

I decided swinging is not for me.
I dislike drama and it seems I found it more here then in any other part of my lifestyle.
Aside from that the sex is mediocre and too vanilla for my taste, they are also usually not very experimental and educated if it comes to the lovemaking.

That said I'm convinced most of the couples had a blast and I am happy for them, since there's no accounting for taste.